Wednesday, July 21, 2010

In the News - July 21, 2010
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Man Arrested at Airport for Smuggling 18 Tities
As originally reported by CNN


(LHN) -- Mexican authorities searching a man with a bulge under his shirt at the airport in the nation's capital found 18 monkeys hidden beneath his clothes, police said.

Investigators grew suspicious after Roberto Sol Cabrera Zavaleta, 38, became "markedly nervous" when asked what he was transporting, Mexico's Public Safety Department said.


In an interview with authorities released by police, Cabrera said he first carried the monkeys in his suitcase, but then hid the animals in his clothes so they would not be harmed by X-ray machines at the airport.

Cabrera described the animals as "pets" and told authorities he had purchased them for $30.

Titi monkeys are protected endangered species requiring a permit for possession, police said.

Two of the tiny Titi monkeys he was carrying in a belt were dead, the department said in a statement, and 16 of them survived the journey from Lima, Peru.
Cabrera has been detained as authorities continue their investigation, the statement said. However, someone closely involved with the case has stated that the investigation has been hampered by the unusual nature of the crime, the broken English of the suspect and the ironic name of the monkey species, all of which have contributed to a line of questioning that has not always been productive.

What follows is a transcript of some of the interrogation, gathered by a hidden microphone.

Officer: “Roberto, we noticed you immediately for as we stated earlier you were “markedly
nervous” when you were going through customs. Can you tell us why?”

Roberto: “Of course. I was worried. I knew that two of my tities were not doing well.”

(murmuring and muffled coughing,)

Officer: “(undecipherable)….ahem…right…of course. And you state that you were concerned
about your tities getting exposed to unnecessary radiation the result of the X-ray
machines?”

Roberto: “Certainly! I would want nothing of mine to be exposed to those harmful rays,
particularly something as delicate and fragile as my tities”

(louder muffled coughing and undecipherable sounds of labored breathing)

Officer: “…Right…(cough)…of course. So that is why you carried them with you?”

Roberto: “Si..yes. I also need them to be warm, which is why I was wearing such heavy
clothes. Tities do not like the cold and I did not want anyone to notice them. They
are very obvious when they are cold.”

Officer: “ (seems to be crying) …soooo….please excuse me…ahem…
AHEM!....ahhhhhhhh…….SO!...So, as you said before you like to think of these as
your pets?”

Roberto: “Si…I mean…yes.”

Officer: “And…(cough)…would you consider your actions here the actions of a good pet
owner?”

Roberto: “Si, si. Oh, yes, I would! Most tities that are found in Peru fall into the wrong hands
and are terribly mistreated! I love my tities and they know it! I hold them and
carress them. Sometimes I even kiss them! They know that I love them!”

(Overwhelmingly loud, undecipherable noises by what sounds like many people coughing and groaning. Horrible, howling sounds of pain/laughter??? Sound of something heavy hitting the
floor. Someone is asked if he/she is okay)

The interrogation went on for a total of 3 hours and appeared to be a brutal affair as many of the officers that came out from the room were visibly shaken and often crying – all of them waving away reporters and saying “I just can’t talk about it.”

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

In the News ~ July 20, 2010
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Wife of Lawrence Taylor says he didn't rape anyone.

Los Angeles, California (LHN)

Lawrence Taylor's wife stood by her man Thursday, vehemently denying that her famous linebacker husband raped a teenager.

"He didn't rape anyone. He didn't have sex with anyone. He didn't call a pimp," Lynette Taylor said on "Larry King Live."

Lynette Taylor said the girl sneaked into her husband's hotel room because many people knew Taylor was in town for an autograph signing. Taylor gave her $300 because she was going through bad times, Lynette Taylor said.

"So I mean for him, $300, here -- here is $300. Will this help you out any? It was very much that," said Lynette Taylor. "Yes, he should have told her to get the heck out of my room. But I cannot explain why men do what they do."

When asked about the bad times that the young girl was going through, Mrs. Taylor said.

"You know, being a sixteen year old prostitute who was routinely beaten by her pimp and forced to have sex with former NFL players. That ain't easy. You try it. I'm damn proud that my man gave her money in that situation. It was very noble, very selfless. That was hard earned money that he could have spent on drugs".

Immediately following Mrs. Taylor's press conference former First Lady and current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton issued a statement of her own in which she said misunderstandings like this are in fact commonplace among all those who live in the public eye, citing her husband former President Bill Clinton as an example.

" I completely understand what Lynette Taylor is going through at this time and I have great sympathy for her as I stood in her shoes throughout the Lewinski situation. I still stand by the fact that Bill was completely faithful and his actions were completely misinterpreted by Ms. Lewinski. Yes, he should have looked harder for a proper humidor, but in fairness it was a very expensive Cuban cigar. But still, I also cannot explain why men do what they do."

UFO's over China Cause Airport Closings / 1000 Russians Drown After Walking Into the Water Drunk / Thermosphere Shrinking at Alarming Rate



http://edition.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/europe/07/15/russia.heat.drownings/?hpt=T2&fbid=q_VX1rilsH_




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Is anybody else keeping tabs on this? I am not really up on the Bible, but aren't these things a sign of the Apocalypse??? I mean, that wasn't my first thought, but when I started to add it up it made sense. The UFO sightings just confirm it. Oh, sure...I suppose that these aliens could be cruising China in effort to find cheap labor like everyone else, but don't you think they would have access to all of those reports on lead contamination and such?

Seriously, if the Chinese can't put together an EZ Bake oven without the risk of it pushing out toxic brownies that make little Cindy's tea party all sorts of embarrassing then how well do you think they would handle dylithium crystals, worm-holes, or whatever the heck these guys are juicing up their spaceships with? No, it just doesn't add up. It's more likely that this is the eve of the Apocalypse and they are just here for the show.

Is it that absurd? After all, less than one week ago my friends and I were outside Madison Square Garden trying to score tickets for Jack Johnson from our choice of gold-toothed, one-legged, glass-eyed vermin and willing to pay top dollar to groove to the beat. And that was just for a concert??? Can you imagine how something like THIS is being played out among the intergalactic scalping scene?

"No, Dude...seriously...I've got the best seats in the Universe, right here. I will have you parked directly over the most populated area on the planet! This thing is going to be epic! Hell, I heard these idiots actually test nukes on their own planet, drill for oil in deep water with , get this....ZERO knowledge of how to fix a leak and wait...you're going to love this...don't believe in global warming in spite of the fact that it's a thousand fucking degrees down there! I know...I know! Damn, brother...their thermosphere is disappearing and it can't even break into the news cycle because Lindsay Lohan is going to jail...absolutely classic!"

"What?!?...I'm not playing you! Of course these are real! I'll even let you go in for a minute and check it out. Wait a minute...hold on...hold on!........Damn, it sounds like it's starting............ Yup...their walking drunk into the water already...Shit!...I'll let you have them for face value, but you're killing me here, you're killing me!"